The Worse Day

Three days of administrative leave turned in to much more.  I should have known that all of that couldn't have been wrapped up in three days' time.  It was ten days before he was permitted to return to work.  There was a lot involved in the meantime.  The hardest part for him was the BCI interview where he had to watch the body cam video for the first time.  He said he eventually asked them to turn it off.

During those ten days, he practically went stir crazy.  He's a busybody who works a lot of side jobs.  He's antsy and he doesn't like to sit idle.  He doesn't have a lot of hobbies because work is his hobby.  He played Nintendo bowling with the kids and I tried to take him out whenever I could.  Fortunately, I had some days off work.  The Chief, knowing his personality, allowed him to come into the station and do some clerical work or just hang out.  That helped tremendously.

By this time, word was starting to get out about the shooting, so messages from friends and community members were coming in.  People also noticed my husband in public wearing plain clothes.  That was a major tip-off.  A buddy from our past- I'll call him Joe- sent him a message through FB Messenger.  It was something to the effect of Dude, you weren't involved in that shooting in your hometown, were you?  I hope you creamed the guy, or something equally inappropriate.  He's kind of a jerk.  My husband did not respond to those kinds of messages.   

Hubby kept getting messages from "Joe" and laughing about them.  I advised him not to reply, yet I could see him typing back.  He assured me he wasn't saying anything he shouldn't.  "He's just stupid," he said.

One day, we were sitting on the couch together.  A Messenger message came through.  He announced that it was "Joe" again, yet I could clearly see that it was not from Joe.  It was from a female he works with.  We have had issues with this female in the past.  When he began working with her, I told him that she would be trouble.  She's gorgeous.  I told him that she would be after him.  She had a reputation that preceded her, but he said that those rumors absolutely were not true.  She would never be interested in someone like him.  Well, read my post entitled Badge Bunnies if you don't believe in the power of the uniform.   

In the several months prior, I felt that she had been too friendly with him.  She spent too much time teasing with him and I had seen text messages come in from her.  I told him I did not want them texting anymore.  Apparently he wised up to that and they switched to Messenger.  My stomach sank.

More to the back story- one day while he was on shift, I decided to check his location.  It was only because he was on my mind.  I was surprised to find him out of his beat, so I kept watching.  He drove by her house.  Twice.  He didn't stop, but he drove by twice.  I confronted him and he simply stated that he just wanted to see where she lived.

He brings her coffee every morning.  The excuse is because he's already there and he gets it for free.  I told him I'm not OK with that.  He said he doesn't just bring hers, he gets it for 3 people. 

Writing this is very painful.

I noticed these things about three months ago.  We started talking about it, but I was met with nothing but denial.  I upped my game.  I worked on my appearance.  I spoiled him.  I "put myself out there" much more often (use your imagination) to try to woo back my own husband.  I know the feminists reading this would be appalled, but I don't care.  I'm a traditional girl with wholesome values, so I did everything I could to win back my husband.  It seemed like things got worse.  He snapped at me, he didn't want me, he avoided me, and he spent as much time away from me as possible.

I saw a text message come in from her in the car one day and he lied about it.  Then he deleted all the text messages from her and called it an accident.  He's always been an extremely honest person.  He's always admitted his faults and has been quick to apologize when he was wrong about something.  His whole personality was changing.  I knew the cause, and I couldn't do anything about.  I felt completely helpless.  

Back to the present- when that Messenger message came in on the couch and he said it was from Joe, I called him out on it.  I said it was not from Joe, it was from her.  He pretended he made a mistake because Joe had been messaging him all morning.  "Let me read it then."  He told me no.  I demanded once again to read it.  He refused.  This escalated into a huge fight and I won't go into details. 

Finally, he admitted he had been involved in an emotional relationship with her but nothing physical had happened. He actually said the words, "She's in love with me."  Then he said some words that I may never fully heal from- "She stole my heart."  Since then, he has redacted those words and told me he didn't mean them like that.  He explained that it has been like two women are pulling at his heart from different directions.  I want to hurt her.  

I knew this was going to happen.  I warned him.  He even admitted that I called it from the very start.  I think what happened is that he got down on himself.  Call it a midlife crisis or whatever you want.  But when a younger, beautiful women throws herself at you and gives you attention, it's hard to resist. 

Again, I will spare you a lot of details that happened in the meantime.  He ended up calling her and telling her that everything that was going on between them had to stop.  I demanded that he do it in front of me, but he refused.  There was a lot of back-and-forth;  he even started to leave at one point.  To spare my marriage, I had to be the one to give in.  

I feel very broken, very defeated, very alone.  This is actually the reason I began this blog.  I lost my best friend, my confidant through this.  He's the one I talk to about everything, and I can't talk to him anymore.  I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me, and, to no surprise, he refused.  I told him I was going alone, and he kind of told me no.  Yes, I know I can just do it anyway, but that will probably end up making things worse in the end.  I'm trying to keep peace here.  So, I cry a lot.  I put on a happy smile and pretend that everything is OK.  I still spoil him.  I try to model what a good spouse does, hoping that he will follow my lead.  You must understand, we had 25 good years of marriage before this happened.  We're not rookies here.  

This post ended up being much longer than I expected, and I left out A LOT of details.  I don't know if I feel better or worse after writing it.  I guess I'll try to keep up with the journaling to see if it helps.  Until then...